Cuddled extra long with my kitten this morning. :D
I fucking love animals. Did you notice... have you ever noticed how sometimes people feel more strongly connected to animals than they do to people? It seems to be a very special, pure kind of relationship. If you aren't an animal person perhaps the same feeling might come to you when looking at babies. I guess some people never look at anything this way... but I feel like... most people would know what I am talking about here. See, that *special something* you feel isn't really about them. They aren't *different* from other beings you might encounter. The love we feel for them isn't just *automatically* a bi-product of their inherent awesomeness. That's an illusion. The awesomeness isn't the illusion- the lack of awesomeness elsewhere is. As is the idea that what we are looking at or loving is causing the feelings of love we have for it. (Or the lack of love!) It's about us. It's in how we look at them. And we could, if we chose to, look at all life that way, always.
Why is it that sometimes the relationships, of any kind, we have with people, are so awesome in the beginning but almost inevitably, it would seem, start to suck? Maybe increasingly. And maybe they even end up being outright terrible. Sometimes, when a relationship gets to this point where it has gotten terrible, we even feel we are *locked into* this misery for a myriad of reasons. Which of course is relationship 'hell'. All our hells-on-earth are caused by doing and being things we don't genuinely want to do or be. Or believing something about ourselves that isn't true.
Many times when people look at/take on a relationship of some sort it's from the perspective of needing to be in one. Or feeling incomplete without one, or feeling completed or enhanced in some way by one. Rather than just relating for the inherent awesomeness of relating as a means of enhancing our life experience to the highest possible level of joy and fun. As you can imagine, this changes drastically how the relationship is experienced. The question becomes "who/how should I be to retain this person, who I have decided I need to be in this relationship with for whatever reason." Rather than "I already have everything I need, I want this relationship for the fun of it, since it's fun. If it isn't fun, I'll prolly just go find fun." Most relationships begin from a place or perception of lack, rather than from a place or perception of abundance.
From the point of view of lack, it makes *sense* to pretend to be all sorts of ways you aren't. And do all sorts of things you don't really feel like doing. It might even make sense to change "who you are." Or to sacrifice yourself entirely. You behave based on what you think will work. To keep the person. The relationship. Because you have decided that it is necessary, for whatever reason. And this leads to a point where you are not yourself in the relationship. Or believe things to be true about yourself that aren't. This causes suffering. *Eventually* there is exhaustion, dissatisfaction- caused by you not being who you really are, and doing shit you don't want to do, and feeling you are someone you don't want to be, etc. Sometimes you blame the other party for this suffering. Search for reasons that *they* have caused this dissatisfaction, and try to "rectify" that. Or try to make them rectify it.
Once you aren't being yourself- who is the other person in the relationship relating to, even?
This is why it's soooo important, so so important for you to be genuine always. To help your life be awesome! If you're genuine from the start *all* of your relatings will be, too. Because you never have to worry that you are not being loved for who you are if you are always being who you are. Ever. When people are being genuine relating is awesome. Effortless. *It only takes effort to pretend.* Think about that. In the relationships that feel like a lot of effort to you, I bet there is a lot of pretending.
So maybe you are being genuine, and they aren't. Maybe you aren't they are. Maybe both. But there's another much greater force at work in the great relationship crap-out. It has to do with how you *see*.
It's easy for you to look at that new person in your life with eyes of love and see only the best of them and in them. It's like how you might look at a kitten, or a puppy, or a baby. They are not (yet) "wrong" or "bad" in your eyes. *These are the eyes of love.* You do not look at them as anything but wonderful, so it's very easy to see all the wonderfulness about them with nothing in the way. It's when we *change* that view- *that's* when things get messy. Because once someone is "wrong" and "bad"- then you look at them alllllltogether differently. And then you notice all the "shortcomings" and "faults" and then eventually you see them more and more and then that's all you see.
But that's how it goes, right? Because people suck, right? And now I am seeing all the ways that they suck. I should never have loved them. And I'm super pissed. But they deserve it. Oh yes. If only you knew what they did... how miserable I am. It's endless, it really is, the number of reasons not to love someone. The list gets longer and longer and longer. Once you get on that right/wrong scale, their are no limits except what you decide, on accounta you're making it all up yourself. All of it. You make up what's right and wrong, and what it takes to "pay for it." You make up how you should treat them, because of it. Of course, as we notice and think about and talk about and feel the bad, we *feed* it. The behavior gets "worse and worse" in our interpretation.
Oh, and the joke is,
***Behavior, kittens, is often not at all related to our interpretations of it.***
Say you and I are having a chat and while we are chatting about something you feel to be important I check my watch. Glance at it, and back up. Say you decide, "Look at that she is totally bored, and not listening." Say I didn't even *really* notice I was checking it, and did it by habit. And was totally listening. And that's what happened. That's what was. But your interpretation was I wasn't listening. Does this upset you? Sure. Does it color how you see me now? The next time we hang out? Maybe I do some more stuff that could be interpreted as disinterest. Maybe this leads to a belief- I don't listen to you. The evidence of anything you believe sure mounts up quick! And there would be a lot of time for that evidence to build, and maybe 5 years later our whole relationship sucks and I don't even know why. Those interpretations were *all* untrue, but it didn't matter, because you're operating as though what you decided happened *really happened.* And you treat me accordingly. Do you see? I hope you see.
Now.
WHAT IF,
and I'm just saying what if,
You chose, made the conscious choice, to *always* look at another person, -any- person, your friend, your family member, your partner, whoever- with as much love as possible, always, and focus only on the good things they did. And to only think about and dwell on and mention those things. Little things, big things. Like you would a baby animal. Like you did in the beginning. And what if you focused on the things you loved about them, that you loved about them in the first place, *always.* Not just for a small amount of time. And noticed those things as much as possible- and just enjoyed them. The way most people tend to do in the beginning of a relationship without even realizing it. But not just in the beginning. And what if- and here's the big one folks- you chose to look at possible areas of improvement within your relationship as *your* opportunity, rather than the responsibility of the other person involved?
What I mean is.
Instead of asking someone to pay more attention to you, what if you paid more attention to them?
Instead of complaining that someone never listens to you, what if you listened to them more, and as much as you could?
Instead of waiting for them to do something thoughtful, or noticing that they never do, what if you did something thoughtful for them right now? Many things? Always?
And so forth.
And not like you do the above and then stand back and wait for them to "do it back." No scales here, no points.
You would be amazed what *being* the best you can possibly be to someone, instead of expecting them to be it, and looking at them through the best and most loving eyes you can instead of wondering how they see you, and thinking about them with the best thoughts and feelings and noticings imaginable instead of checking for errors in their behavior, all the time, can do for a relationship. ANY relationship. No matter how it is right now. You would be amazed.
Try it.
Love,
Amber
No comments:
Post a Comment